I’ve actually been writing as long as I can remember and I saved most things I wrote. It sounds contradictory but even though I share a lot of my life on various social media platforms I am a private person. I will try to keep this brief. The below pic is a letter I wrote in 11th grade before my third and last failed suicide attempt. Only a few people know about this. I’m writing this blog today in hopes that it saves at least one person who reads this!
We’ve seen this week in the news strong, beautiful people with everything going for them take their lives. I’ve seen people react with shock and also sometimes with negative comments. Why would people with seemingly perfect lives who have all available resources to get help do this? You won’t understand unless you’ve been in their shoes. I have. What I can tell you is what people show you about themselves is only what they choose to show you. All of it is a mask, a facade, a character they cling to make it through the day.
The people in your life view you as strong. Able to survive the worse life can throw at you because to them it seems you have. You seem this way while feeling empty inside except for pain. It’s hard to explain and I’ll try my best but the pain is not just relentless and torturous in your mind but is also actual physical pain in your stomach, chest and throat. A heavy, crushing, suffocating ache. It’s as if you’re outside of yourself watching life happen to someone else. The torment is exhausting. It’s all you can do to get out of bed in the morning. But you do. You get up and get through each day until you can’t anymore. And that’s when you make that final choice.
Luckily, for me, this was another thing I was not good at. I was young and didn’t really know what I was doing. That’s why my attempts failed. The last one in particular had me feeling even worse because I felt couldn’t even succeed at ending it! When I knew the house would be empty one night I took a bunch of sleeping pills and filled the bathtub up and got in. After I drifted off my toes linked up on the chain of the stopper and nudged it out enough that all the water eventually drained out. Hours later I woke up freezing, sick to my stomach with a pounding head ache. Something or some divine being was always making sure I was not successful. And with this crushing realization I knew that this was my life and I had to find a way to deal with the pain. I know now of course, how fortunate I was.
Later the only time I mentioned this again to my mother was in a principal’s office while at a meeting to determine whether they’d allow me to switch high schools. I basically and as a matter-of-fact stated unemotionally “I can’t take it anymore, If I stay here I will kill myself”. And with that I started at a new school not knowing anyone there. And this was pivotal for me. Within the first few days I met a girl who would become a very important person in my life. I credit her for saving mine. That’s really all it took. One person reaching out to me, handing me that life line that started me on my journey of healing. It didn’t happen overnight. The pain manifested itself in different ways over the years with an eating disorder, drinking and some dabbling with drugs. Also, to be honest, sometimes even now my mind and voice will get those moments again but with wisdom and life experience I’ve been able to conquer that voice.
All these years later as I’m here writing this blog I’m listening to the beautiful sounds of my boys, the barking of my dog at the birds chirping on my window sill, feeling the cool rush of air from my vents and enjoying this warm sip of tea! It may not be perfect but I embrace every moment of life now and know how lucky I am!
We really don’t know what some people are going through. I know we all get busy with our own lives but Please every once in a while check up on your strong friends and family.
And if you’re reading this and are in pain, use me as an example. Please reach out to someone. It gets better. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. I promise you!